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Day two without Hade.

Tears. Lots and lots of tears.

They aren’t exaggerating when they say you can cry a river of tears. It’s possible, and I’m proof. There were moments of calm when I thought maybe I could make it through, but today my HEART is absolutely in control of my body. My MIND knows yes, there is heaven and yes God is good, and yes there is a plan and a purpose and all things work together for good and Hayden isn’t suffering any longer, and we will be reunited. But my heart doesn’t care a bit about any of that today.

I’m sad and broken, and my heart can’t bear anything but hushed prayers, whispered from the lips of people far away.

I’m broken, and today that is all I can be.

I’m broken watching my baby girl, and her cousin have to go and pick out an outfit to bury their best friend, cousin, and sister in.

I’m broken watching Adam have to make funeral choices for a wife he wants at his side.

I’m broken for my family having to travel to say goodbye to someone they love and for my husband having to celebrate his birthday today with only one daughter instead of two.

I’m broken because there was much life we wanted to do together and many things left undone.

I’m broken because this is final. I can’t call my sweet girl on the phone or have her stop by for dinner anymore. There won't be any more snap chats or texts ending in “I love you, mom.”

If I’m honest, I’m broken because some of you can. You can call the people you love and say I’m sorry, or I forgive you, and I love you and good night.

So, all I can be today is broken, and for all these things my heart says tears. Lots and lots of tears.

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